This was originally published on 08/20/2016. I’ve left it the same as it was originally (barring some added commas), including the images I staggered between the paragraphs. I still mostly feel the same way now, and there is an addendum at the end to clarify what has changed.
CW: death, grief
Today, I spent time with one of the loveliest people I know. We had a great conversation about life & death and relationships. I mentioned to her that even though I am having the most negative year thus far of my life, with so many terrible things occurring, I feel like I am simultaneously at the best point of my life as well. I'm going to rehash some of the things we talked about because lately a lot of my intimate conversations with my inner circle have helped me achieve epiphanies about myself and Life.
Up until recently, I've led a very fortunate life. The list of people I knew who died was very small: my grandfathers, my great grandmother, a couple kids from high school who died cliff jumping (in separate totally unrelated events), my Grandma's boyfriend. Then, in the past two years, the numbers skyrocketed to include my old roommate, my cat, an ex-lover, my Grandma's other boyfriend, and some friends.
I am very aware of the fact that as I grow older more and more people I know will die. My grandmother is at the point of her life where she goes to funerals weekly, if not daily, and while I'm not there yet, I see my future in her. As Mac Lethal says, "every time I make a new friend/That’s another funeral in the future I will attend." This has put a damper on my spirits and my social life. I've spent the summer hermitting. It doesn't help that some of my friendships have ended this year.
I recently had this epiphany that of all the friendships I have lost recently, no matter the reason, I have zero desire for any of them to currently be in my life. Let me be clear here: I have no ill will towards any of them, friends, exes, etc. I've been cutting the negative out of my life this year, and I feel like I am finally in a great space. The people that I regularly talk to have been cultivated. I'm no longer surrounding myself with people for the sake of surrounding myself with people. I'm choosing who gets to be the recipient of my time (which I deem to be much more valuable than any other currency.)
You can always make more money, but you have a finite amount of time. I no longer want to waste my time on people that cause more negative energy than positive energy. This has always been a struggle for me because some of my family members fall into the negative category. Family gatherings have been tough for a long time. As someone who tries to live as honestly and openly as possible, it is difficult to feign obligatory love towards people who have abused me. I won't get into specifics today. That's a separate blog post altogether. I know that when the matriarch of my family (on either side) dies, the family will not gather as much. As terrible as it sounds, my grandmothers are the only reason I still go to most family events. Without them, I doubt many of us will keep in touch.
As unfortunate as it is to think about life without either of my grandmas, I often think of the stress that will be avoided from having to deal with the other family members once they are gone. I'm a dweller, an over-thinker, a worrier. I've always deemed myself a realist but my natural thought process is pessimistic. I always think worst case scenario. What If? I sometimes think this is a survival tactic. If I've already figured out what the worst possible outcome can be then I can prepare for all scenarios up to and including that. What usually happens is that I spend so much time thinking of all the bad things my anxiety kicks in, and whatever worst case scenario I've been mulling over never comes to fruition. Along with no longer wasting my energy on people that don't nourish me, I am trying to break my habit of worrying about the What Ifs.
My partner is really helpful in this regard. Not only does he let me vent out my irrational concerns, so we can hash out what is a realistic worry and what is just my anxiety leading me down the spiral of doom, but he also points out when I'm being too cynical. For example, we were watching the Olympics, and I said to him: "If you were one of the medal winners, how terrible would it be to stand on the podium realizing this is probably the peak of your life at whatever young age you are. That everything after winning an Olympic medal is just downhill." To which he replied, "Or they're probably thinking that all their hard work has finally paid off and reveling in the fact they are the best at what they do in the world." I think that clearly sums up the optimist/pessimist dynamic of our relationship.
I believe that people should try to form good habits to mold their lives into the person that they want to be. I've been trying to do that sooner rather than later. We are all going to die. I'm coming to terms with my mortality. While I'm alive, I want my life to reflect me accurately. I have an image of myself in my head that I don't think matches how other people see me. I can judge myself on my thoughts, but other people can only judge me by my actions.
This is one of the reasons why I write. I want people to understand the reasons why I am the way I am; why I do the things I do. Going forward, I am trying to retrain myself to see the silver lining in things when my first reaction is to see the dark side. I am going to reevaluate my To Do lists and put the things I actually want to do ahead of things I feel obligated to do. If you see more dust bunnies collecting at my house, hopefully it will be because I am spending my time writing, creating art, and/or enjoying life.
Update: Sometimes, I like to reread my old writings to see how far I’ve come. It has been almost 8 years since I wrote this, and while my feelings remain the same, a lot in my life has evolved. While I still often think about What If? scenarios while reflecting about my anxieties, the doom spirals don’t happen as frequently, mostly only when my mental health is already in a challenging spot. My mental health is currently in a good place overall with only specific triggers that activate me. I have prioritized my trauma healing over the past few years, and I feel more capable in terms of dealing with how my diagnoses impact my life.
I’ve had many more friendships end (both abruptly and just fading away), and now I try to focus on cultivating relationships with people who are able to reciprocate & communicate because my time is still my most precious commodity. I don’t like wasting it. I ended up going No Contact with a lot of my family members, including both of my grandmothers, who are both still alive today. (I may write about that another day.)
Removing the majority of my family from my life has lessened my stress levels and increased the time I have for other experiences. I have shifted my priorities to things like writing, creating art, and enjoying life. I continue to have hope for the future, even when despair feels so tempting & comforting. Even with the state of the world today, my life is the best it has ever been.
~The Overstimulated