The Cat Distribution System Strikes Again: Part 2

A post about our old cat, our current cat, and our new cat with lots of pics!

CW: discussion of cat death and cat health problems
(This post has a happy ending though!)

In March of 2024, our cat Achilles crossed the rainbow bridge. He was the first cat I ever had, and he was seventeen years old. Even though I had other cats that I got after Achilles that have already passed and other people’s cats I have loved deeply that are also not around any longer, Achilles’ passing was grief on a whole new level.

Almost immediately, I told my spouse that I didn’t want to get anymore cats. While even though I am the kind of person who does believe “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”, I told him the loss was too hard for me to consider getting so attached to another cat again. That I wasn’t sure if my heart could handle it.

My spouse said that he understood how I felt and that he wouldn’t push the issue. But he also said he did want more cats and hoped that I would eventually change my mind. I told him I would keep an open mind about maybe taking in someone else’s pet if they got into a bind, but that I didn’t want to actively seek out anything.

Thankfully, we still had our cat Percy while we were grieving. One of the things mentioned in the grief emails I got after Achilles’ passing was the notable absence of their presence. That for even a small animal you might be surprised at how much space they held in your home. Even when you still have other pets in the household, that there will be a gaping void of where your lost pet would be usually. This was definitely something that I noticed as our lives adapted to his lack of being where he usually was in our daily lives.

For awhile, I didn’t move the pillow above my own pillow where Achilles usually slept next to my head, and when I considered removing it from the bed, it felt like a heavy decision. My spouse tried to make a joke out of how I could finally have my head at the same level as his in our bed, but I ended up bursting into tears while saying that sounded horrible. (Only horrible because it acknowledged that Achilles would no longer be there to require that pillow.)

When Percy had his overnight stay at the emergency vet, it was the first time in our house that there were no cats present, even for just one night. The silence was excruciating. I already don’t deal well with silence, and the lack of tiny paws moving about the house or a cat sleeping/snoring or any of the other background noises I took for granted really hurt me. On top of that I was stressing about Percy’s health and wondering how much longer I will get to spend with him since he’s already been around for fourteen years.

And if you recall from Part 1 of this, our neighbor’s indoor/outdoor cat Stuffy Cat literally got hit by a car and died the very day we went to pick up Percy from the emergency vet. This is at least the third neighborhood cat that has been killed by a car in the past decade, and another one was mauled by dogs. A lot of these events happened right in front of our house. There are constant reminders of how fleeting these precious creatures’ lives are as every time I see those spaces in my yard or the street nearby, I remember the love I had for them and the loss I feel that they are no longer around.

When I’m feeling more uplifting emotions, I always view it as a positive that I feel things so deeply, but when the more challenging feelings arise, it seems more like a curse than a blessing. My spouse often remarks (usually in a favorable way) about how I feel things more deeply than a lot of people. We both recognized that I was taking Achilles’ loss a bit harder. (Not that it is a competition, but rather just an accepted fact.)

It is probably due to this capacity to feel deeply that I started feeding the birds and animals in our yard. Throughout the years, I have tried to keep food and water out on a regular basis. The local wildlife has taken to hanging out nearby, and often, stray or feral cats have ended up in the area. I have previously cared for many cats that I have never touched, and once I even helped capture an injured cat who I was able to reunite with their owner.

So, when I say it is basically impossible for me to meet and care for another animal without catching feelings, I mean that it is an inherent part of me that I am always feeling deeply and trying to help those around me. Anyone who knows me knows that it is inevitable that I would try to capture a potentially lost cat in my yard as I am incapable of not trying to do what I can.

When I told my friend that there was a new cat hanging around our yard, they almost immediately said to me, “He’ll be yours one day, mark my words!” At the time they said that, I actually didn’t believe it to be true. I figured I would catch this cat and reunite them with their owner again, maybe. But I knew in the meantime, I would still do what I could to help this cat survive outside.

Some of the animals that frequented our yard in 2023.

I am not a person who believes that “everything happens for a reason” in the sense that I do not believe in fate. I am drawn to media that explores the “free will vs destiny” debate, but that’s probably another relic from my catholic upbringing. It might seem strange then that I do believe in The Cat Distribution System that there is some larger force at work in the universe that will bring a cat into your life when it is deemed that you are ready for them.

I am having a lot of emotions surrounding the arrival of our new cat. Part of me is upset that The Cat Distribution System brought him to us even after I specifically said I did not want more cats. My spouse reminded me that I was the one to grab this cat and physically bring him into our home. I do not deny it, but there was no way it wasn’t going to happen once I saw him.

The upsetting part is that I feel like the choice was taken from me on when a new cat entered our life. Also, if I were emotionally in a space where I was choosing another cat, I would’ve picked a black cat since they are ones who get adopted the least. I also would’ve picked an older cat. What I absolutely would NOT have done was pick another orange cat or a young one at that. But that’s exactly the cat that made his way to our yard and into our lives.

Don’t get it twisted though. I am also ecstatic about the arrival of this little orange cat. There is a spot in my journal that asks me how I feel each day, and after we got the new cat in the basement, I wrote that I was “Happy” which hasn’t happened in ages. Maybe since we lost Achilles in March? I am still a bit baffled at how quickly this cat has warmed up to us, even if he is still adjusting to indoor living.

I am thankful that he has beautiful amber colored eyes and a darker orange coat than Achilles’ pale orange fur and green eyes, so it feels less like I am trying to replace one with the other. I am still constantly reminded of Achilles and the fact he is no longer with us, and I am crying about it as I write this. Last night, I even had a dream where I was trying to put a harness on Achilles, but he kept rolling and squirming away and in one of the turns he morphed into Percy. So, yeah, my subconscious is making connections between all these cats and their mortality and my grief.

I will not think less of myself for being emotional and crying and feeling and being capable of love and grieving and having more than just “good” feelings about adding another cat to our home. I wholeheartedly believe that you must allow yourself to feel and let yourself process those emotions, so they don’t get trapped inside. Part of how I process is to write it out, and I share some of these vulnerabilities through the posts I publish.

I have been thinking a lot about motherhood too. Since I realized it wasn’t an inevitability I had to succumb to, I have never wanted to be a mother. But as I spend time alone with the new cat in our basement, intentionally isolated from the other people & pets in our home, I have a lot of time to focus on this tiny creature. All he currently does is eat, sleep, poop, play, and make noise.

His entire existence is within one room right now, and his life is in our hands. The choices we make now will impact him forever (like his neutering tomorrow). Even small things like what food we give him, what toys we bring into his environment, what sounds we put on for him to listen to can alter the trajectory of who he becomes. The fact we won’t let him outside to go on the prowl is something he complains about every single time the sun sets. He does not realize these transgressions are “for his own good.” I have never been more aware of how frustrating it is to try to communicate this concept to someone who already doesn’t understand the words I say to him.

I am acutely aware that in the best-case scenario we will care for him for potentially another 15-20 years. That feels like a lot of pressure. I have no idea what the world will be like in that time, and my climate crisis concerns were one of the top reasons I never wanted to have human children. My spouse tries to allay my fears by saying sweet things like, “He’s going to have a better life inside our home than he would outside on the street.” And I do believe that to be true as well.

It has been complicated trying to parse out my emotions around all of this. Even choosing a name felt like such an important choice to make. Because this cat arrived between storms and walked through water across a wet deck when we captured him, we were thinking of names related to water/storms. We narrowed it down to a Top 8 and even had a poll up about it.

• Poseidon (Donnie) - god of the sea & storms

• Eddy - small whirlpool of water

• Neptune - god of the sea

• Puddles - small pool of liquid/rainwater

• Osiris (Ozzy) - originally god of water & vegetation

• Enki - god of water

• Squirt

• Wade

The only thing the poll helped with was realizing that no one liked Neptune for his name. lol We actually ended up choosing his name before the poll even ended officially too. We decided to go with Eddy (one of my spouse’s suggestions) because we both liked how it sounds, he looks like an Eddy, and pets usually respond better to names that end in an “ee” sound (at least I remember reading that somewhere).

We have yet to come up with a middle name, but usually those happen more organically, like when Achilles got Cream Cheese as his middle name because he was always trying to sneak licks of it off the knife when I made bagels. (Percy’s middle name was given to him immediately and does not reflect him as much; it is rarely used.)

Tomorrow, Eddy goes in to get neutered and chipped. While he is at the vet, I will be doing a deep clean of the basement (again) because he destroyed a rainbow and exploded catnip EVERYWHERE. I’ve decided to stop worrying about whether or not my heart can handle loving another cat as deeply as I love(d) Achilles. I am already so smitten with Eddy that the ship has sailed. I am looking forward to however many years we will get to have together, through the happy moments and the tears and the late-night screams and early morning wake-ups and everything that we will share.

~The Overstimulated