This post is about when I learned I had skin cancer. It was originally published on 08/23/2016. It has been slightly altered to remove the images, add some punctuation, and some wording has been updated for clarification. I did not change the tense of it, which you will notice most towards the end.
CW: skin cancer, dermatologist
The dermatologist called and left me a message to call back for my results. Last time I had a dermatologist appointment, when they called, they said they couldn't leave my results on my voicemail because I didn't have my name on the message. So a couple days ago, I finally personalized my voicemail just so they could leave me a message with my results. Instead I got a message saying I had to call in. I immediately knew when they left that message that it wasn't good news.
When I called, I was placed on hold while they transferred me to "medical staff." Another tell tale sign. Last week I had 4 spots removed. She said she was going to go through all the spots and let me know to stop if I had any questions. Another bad sign. She listed off the first three in a row and said they were all normal.
Then, she got to the one they removed from my chest. The spot the dermatologist pointed out 7 months ago that I brushed off saying it was probably just acne. So every day since my January appointment I have looked at this spot in the mirror and worried. It wasn't acne. It didn't go away.
They told me at my appointment last week that it could it be some sort of benign growth or it could be basal cell carcinoma. Well, it turns out it is basal cell carcinoma which is the most common form of skin cancer. It is caused by sun exposure/damage and is slow growing. Add that to the list of shitty things that has happened in 2016.
So today, I found out that I have cancer. But it isn't like the Big C Cancer. I told my parents. My dad's response was to say that "It is far less deadly than melanoma." He would know because he had melanoma. It could be that he was trying to lessen the blow for me; to make light of it. For someone that had skin cancer, I was hoping he would be more sympathetic. My mom said she was sorry I'm having such a shitty year and hopefully things go up from here.
I didn't tell that many people after that because I didn't want anyone else to try to convince me that I shouldn't be upset. I should have known better than to call for my results during my morning break at work! I cried in my closet office. I got it together then started shaking and cried again. Do you know how hard it is to be cheerful and take phone calls when someone just told you that you have cancer?
I'm not dying any faster than normal. But I want to at least reserve the right to be upset about it for a little bit. Even if just a day. All I wanted to do at work was go home and cry/process/write. Instead I had to suck it up, enter orders, and answer the phone like this: "Thank you for calling [Company Name]. This is [my name]. How may I help you?" with a smile they can “hear through the phone.”
I wrote this so I could process and to tell You about my day. I couldn't bear to have another text/phone conversation about it earlier today. If you read my blog posts, you are someone who would probably care about this health update. I also want to gently advise you to make an appointment with a dermatologist. Especially if you've never gone before.
I have an appointment [in a month] to have a larger incision around the spot. They will test that to see if they got it all or if it has spread. In the meantime, I'm going to drink some wine, eat the chocolate chip cookies I baked for myself, and grieve a little. Now that I've had skin cancer once, the odds of me getting skin cancer (of this type or another) are now increased. I will not dwell on this. I will just be cognizant of that fact. I will buy more sunscreen, wear my hats as much as possible, and tell everyone that I want sun protective clothing for any gifts in the future. 😉
I won't do what everyone thinks I'm going to do and just marinate on the fact I have a kind of cancer. It is very treatable. I will do what I keep saying I should start doing and be optimistic. I will finally focus on what I want to accomplish in life and push everything else to the wayside. I'm making goals for [next year], and I've got a few months to figure out how to achieve them.
~The Overstimulated