Christmas, Death, and the Eagles
This piece was originally shared in December 2016, and there is a 2024 Update at the end.
Originally published 12/11/2016 with 2024 Update at the end and slight modifications throughout.
I've hit the point of the holiday season where I'm filled with doubt. I've half started a number of blog entries and none of them are good enough. All of the well thought out presents now seem trivial. I haven't even put up the tree or decorations yet, and I've already hit my holiday slump.
I've been working a lot of OT lately; sometimes being there for 10 hours a day. When I get home, it is dark, so I don't want to do anything. I don't really want to cook even. Leftovers are my favorite thing in the world right now. Oh and sandwiches. All I want to do is sit on the couch-or better yet-the bed and veg out. I don't want to be typing anymore. I want to distract myself from the facts.
I've decided that I can only worry about so many things in one day, and then I need to find a way to just stop thinking for awhile. Also, happy that boxed wine is a thing. Black box Pinot Grigio, leftovers, and Netflix. I successfully watched everything I had in my queue that was expiring in December before it expired. Go me!
On one of our Documentary Nights, I finally got to pick the longest one in the queue...The History of the Eagles. My spouse will be the first to tell you not to watch movies with me because I talk through them. I can't help it. Like every 15 minutes or so, I just felt compelled to express aloud that "I.Fucking.Love.The.Eagles."
Here are some random thoughts I had after we finished watching it.
Poor Randy.
Don Henley is my favorite.
I need to listen to more of the Eagles, Don Henley, and Glenn Frey.
Joe Walsh has awesome style.
I never thought Glen Frey would be the first to die.
There is it. The crux of the matter. I start each day looking at the messages and emails I got through the night. Due to the events earlier this year, I signed up to get obituaries emailed to me daily. I think I thought it was a bad idea when I did it, but still, every day I start off by reading about people who have died.
I have a love/hate relationship with obituaries, and I know how weird that sounds. The ages are what always stand out. We can all agree that seeing people die who are 80-100+ years old doesn't seem as tragic as seeing someone under 30 years old die. I like the obits that list a cause of death; especially when the age leads you to believe it was an unexpected death. I like obits that actually tell you about the person. Not just listing the birth year, death year, and the family left behind. When the writing really captures the person and you get a sense of what they were like while they were alive.
The saddest is when someone young dies. I used to think it should be mandatory to list how people died in the obit, but now I realize that sometimes people can't even make sense of it themselves, let alone put it in print for the world to see. I'm always comparing the ages to my current age or the ages of people I love. Sometimes there are babies listed. I remember a particularly haunting photo that was published and emailed to my inbox for first-thing-in-the-morning viewing 3 days in a row. The first day, I was so sad about it. The second day, I didn't even want to look at it again. The third day, I felt even worse realizing this could potentially be the only picture of that person taken of them in their entire short existence.
Is acknowledging Death and the uncertainty of Life, a good way to start the day? Maybe not, but it does give me the time to realize I've been fortunate enough to make it this far. My birthday is coming up soon, and I'm about to join a new age bracket. (35-50 year olds) If we can agree that living 80+ years before expiration is a long, full life and not being able to live for even 30 years is tragic and unjust, what happens to my new age bracket?
Perhaps I should look at it from another perspective? All deaths are tragic, sure, but we've already agreed that some are more so than others. I know that I should take each day as it comes and be grateful for every one. I do feel very fortunate that I've already had 30+ years on this planet. Winter is the obvious time to dwell on mortality. The trees and plants are all dead, hibernating, and mostly leafless. There is a constant visual reminder that this is a season of loss.
Christmas (which is also everywhere you look) just reinforces this by focusing on the death of Jesus. You can ignore it and focus on Santa and presents and drown yourself in consumerism for only so long before you realize Santa is dead too. Wow. I'm so far removed from the Holiday spirit right now, and I'm sorry if that just went too heavy for you. I'm currently wallowing in my perpetual, existential crisis. Don't remind me how many elderly wait through one last Holiday only to die around the turn of the year. We lost my Grandma's boyfriend last year and my spouse's Grandma around that time too.
I've got to find a way to climb out of the downward spiral that is the month of December. You're probably reading this thinking, should I be worried that they are depressed? I don't feel depressed. In fact, it is the opposite of that. I'm trying to figure out what I need to do right now in life to take advantage of every moment I have alive. I feel like I've already wasted so much that I want to make immediate changes to not take anymore Time for granted!
I start my day reading about other people's tragic or expected, sudden or prolonged, departures because it sparks something within me. Life is uncertain. Death is not. I've got ideas on what I want to do while I'm here, and while they are larger than just chillin' and Netflix, sometimes you gotta Take it Easy.
In the hectic days of December, self care is as important (if not more) than anything else on the agenda. I went for weeks without even painting my nails. Which is a red flag that I have a lot going on. Christmas decorating and nail painting haven't been high in the list of priorities.
When you're thinking about Life and Death, Christmas trees and nail polish can either seem meaningless or give yourself purpose, depending on how you view it. I finally painted my nails before my spouse's holiday party for work. It may not matter to anyone else, but at least I will be able to enjoy the silver sparkles while I'm typing away at work. Today, I will take the time to put up the tree and decorate. While I'm still around I want to celebrate the holiday season to the best of my ability. I will wrap up all the gifts I got people and mail out the ones I won't be able to deliver in person. I will have faith that the thought really is what counts. I will continue to remind myself that Life is what you make of it. Whether or not my day consists of self care, work, or anything else, I will live it to the best of my ability this holiday season and going forward.
2024 Update: Like my Past Self, I’ve also hit the point of the year where I’m filled with doubt. I started thinking about a bunch of writing ideas & creative endeavors only to decide none of them are good enough to share or even worth my time to begin. I almost didn’t even put up this post. This may be the first year ever that I have no plans to exchange gifts with anyone for Christmas. I feel like explaining why I no longer celebrate or participate in the holidays will warrant a more lengthy explanation, but I’ll save it for another post.
I don’t currently have a day job or really any job. It makes me sad to remember what awful job circumstances I tolerated before, and I feel for the people who are still in those situations. I’m over forty now with a birthday in just a few weeks. I still think about Life & Death pretty frequently, and…"I.Fucking.Love.The.Eagles."
~The Overstimulated
